Talking Bacon
by Alice Harkey
Summary: Levy and Lucy run onto the guild yelling again, only this time it's about... Talking bacon? What kind of crazy nonsense will ensue this time? Kind of a crack fic! One-shot! Enjoy!


**AN/: hey I'm back with another goofy one-shot! Mmmmmmm bacon! This was inspired by another friend of mine from the FAYZ! I hope you enjoy my craziness! R&R please! **

**Talking Bacon**

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"Natsu! Make it stop!" Lucy screamed running into the guild and throwing herself onto he fire mage. Many curious and confused glances were thrown at her as well as a couple of smirks here and there along with some looks of horror.

"What is it Luce," he asked letting out a huff of breath. Lucy was being weird again, then again when wasn't she weird?

"The bacon, it's freaking TALKING!" Lucy screamed horrified.

"It's awful! It's just terrible! Make the bacon stop talking! It won't let me eat it!" Levy screamed darting into the guild moments later. Now everyone was confused. Oh goodness, they hoped that his wasn't going to be anything like that Spoon War they had last week. That was disastrous!

The guild master has seen the mess and was absolutely furious. Those who feared for Levy and Lucy had followed the two girls' instructions, claiming that the wreckage was the fault of the fire and ice mage. Others decided to stick to the truth. In the end only Natsu and Gajeel had got punished by the master. Natsu had taken the blame for Lucy, and Gajeel, seemingly out of nowhere, had taken the blame for Levy.

"Calm down you two," Mira said overhearing their strange words. "Bacon can't talk. Even if it could, what would it say?" the barmaid inquired.

"'No! Please don't eat me!' That's what it'd say!" Lucy cried on the verge of tears.

"No fair!" Levy shouted at the blonde. "Your bacon was nice. Mine was screaming, 'back off you bitch! You'll never take me alive!'" Levy explained with a huff of annoyance.

Natsu and the others deadpanned. Such imaginations those two had. It had to be something about them being writers and extremely active readers that gave them such wild imaginations.

"Natsu, what should we do? You're the expert on eating food! How do we eat the bacon when it's yelling at us?" Lucy pouted. All eyes moved to the pink-haired boy in question, his face slightly red in embarrassment.

"I'm not really an expert," Natsu mumbled scratching the back of his head. He did feel slightly flattered that Lucy thought him an expert on foods, well eating foods, but still.

"Now's not the time to be modest!" Lucy scolded.

"Modest? What's that mean?" Natsu asked confused. His confusion went unnoticed as the blonde and bluenette proceeded to run in rampant circles around him.

"Do you think that if we sick Levy and Lucy on Natsu while he's on fire and told 'em to run in circles around him, they'd put the fire out?" a random guild member asked noticing the incredible speed of the girls.

"Okay, okay! Stop!" Natsu yelled desperately. He was getting dizzy watching them run around like their panties were on fire.

"What do we do?" the girls screeched in unison. It made the Dragon Slayer's ears ring. Nasty sighed. They wanted to know how to eat food when it was... Yelling at them? The answer was simple really.

"Here's what you do," Natsu began, "you wanna make sure it's cooked." The two girls nodded whipping out notepads and pencils seemingly out of nowhere and began taking notes. Natsu sweat-dropped but continued. "Then... You eat it."

The mages blinked at him, staring as if he'd grown another head that had an intelligent brain and was spewing things about Einstein.

"Just..." Levy began.

"Eat it?" Lucy finished. Natsu nodded firmly. "Really?"

"Yup!" the Dragon Slayer chimed. "Just tear into it."

"But, but, b-but," Lucy stuttered hopelessly. Levy continued to stare at him blankly.

"It's a little piece of bacon, how much harm can it do to you if you ruthlessly murder it first?" he pointed out. Lucy nodded slowly at first, then gave a final, stern nod.

"Yea! You're right! Please don't eat me my butt! I just gotta tell it, 'I'm gonna eat you and I'm gonna enjoy it! Deal with it!' Yeah!" Lucy said determinedly. She grabbed Levy's wrist and bolted out of the guild.

~15 minutes later~

"We're never taking advice from Natsu ever again!" Levy screamed as the two ran back through the doors of the guild.

"What'd going on now?" Natsu asked exhausted and overwhelmed. What happened this time? Were the eggs talking back?

"YOU NOT EAT US! WE EAT YOU!" something said, its voice booming through the guild hall.

"Bacon strips unite!" a tiny, squeaky sounding voice said. The guild members' eyes fell upon a small strip of bacon that had another piece climbing on top of it, followed by another, and another, and another. They just kept piling on and soon it was a giant piece of bacon. It was enormous, and it was pissed. Soon another one was by its side.

"OM, NOM, NOM!" they yelled plowing into the center of the guild. Wakaba and Macao were sitting at a table in the corner furthest from the strange bacon monsters.

"There goes Gray," Wakaba said. One of the bacon-monstrosities had swallowed up Gray whole.

"At least they didn't get his clothes... Oh, no those are gone too," Macao replied.

"Really? I didn't see that! Which one got 'em?"

"The one on the far left."

"Huh... You don't say."

The two proceeded to casually sip on their mugs of beer.

Everyone was running around screaming their heads off. Cries of horror were heard everywhere.

"It's talking bacon! It's gonna eat us! Why is it talking? Forget that! WHY IS IT EATING PEOPLE!? OH MY GOD THAT ONE ATE GRAY!"

"Nice advice, Natsu!" Lucy spat venomously hiding behind Natsu. "I'm not listening to you ever again! But, can you still save me?" she begged with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I can't believe it! You weren't lying about the talking bacon! Holy shit, Luce! Where the fuck did you buy this bacon?"

"You bought it for me, idiot!"

"I'm coming for you Gray-sama!" Juvia cried facing the piece of bacon on the right, the one that ate Gray.

"Ah, there goes Juvia," Macao pointed out sipping on his beer again.

"Alright, time to put an end to this," Natsu said smirking. He ran up to the strips of meat and took in a big breath. " FIRE DRAGON ROAR!" he bellowed causing flames to spew from his mouth. It scorched the bacon, burnt it and brought their advance to a halt.

"There ya go, Luce. I hope you like your bacon extra crispy."

"W-what about Gray and Juvia?" Levy asked.

"... Oh."

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**END NOTE: what did you think? I feel like i may have a knack for writing cute comedy! What do you guys think? **

**i have a huge list of stories in matins that I really want to write and post, but you know how i am with updating my stories.. Still, if you're interested in hearing about them let me know through a review or a PM. Remember to review if you think I deserve it! Pure for now!**

**~Alice-chan**


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